woot

monday. no work. on off. 'nuff said.





WOOT

black

i am a pessimist. i have a very gloomy outlook on life in general. i hate everyone and everything almost everyday. every morning, waking up, i just feel like shit.no matter rain or shine, its always dark for me. getting on the crowded sardine can bus, squeezy sardine can train, every fucking face is just like a target board. how i wish i had a fucking uzi or a sawn off shotgun every morning.

fucking 66.6%plebs......

happier?

colleagues are telling me i look happier, more positive in the past few weeks. and giving me a good ribbing at it too.

but am i really happier? i dont really know. going by appearances, i may be smiling, joking, laughing around with friends or colleagues, but inside, i'm just really sick of everything thats going on these days. everyday, i find myself dragging myself to work. the excitement, the drive, the motivation is no longer there. i find myself putting on a mask once i step out of home. even upon reaching office, its like there's this permanent aura of "nua" in the area. i just cant focus and concentrate on doing my best. its just the same monotonous churning out of acceptables. its like me being a hypocrite.

fug....

rotten

its already midweek, and so far, everything's just rotten. it couldnt possibly get any worse, but then again, things dont always happen the way you think they would.

not in any mood to work, nor in any mood to do anything. its just me and my 12year companionship of cigerettes, almost everyday and everynight, sitting or wandering in the neighbourhood park, stoning and smoking away. cant stand this feeling, everyday wasting myself away.

its not as if there's not alot of work to be done, quite on the contrary. but there's really just no drive left. everything's just so messed up that i'm just not in the mood to do any work. tolerated all the bullshit and empty promises for so long, now its almost reached a breaking point. all the sweet talk, the misleading messages from management, all utter bullshit.

screw.....

累了

我真的好累了。。。

我不想再当什么pillar of strength了。。。我并不是一个什么很稳获很强的男人。我不了解，为什么身边的人受了伤，总是来找我。我已经很累了，我不想做朋友伤心时的靠山。

笨蛋

excerpts from 笨蛋-金莎

“很多时候我因为怕受伤，所以就选择先放弃。我更因为我太爱自由，所以明明渴望爱情，却依然不知怎样让别人进入我的世界。“
“难道，我不能给你百分百的信心吗？你知道，我一直有多在乎你。“
“我珍惜这份安全感，却担心他的牺牲。所以每天的感觉还是孤独的。我还是需要一个人，一个人想一想。“

“这段日子你真的过的好吗？“
“没有你的早晨，加了糖的咖啡，也是苦的。“
“当时我尊重你的要求，所以我离开。但，这段日子你不开心，所以我就回来了。“
“也许，我连自己要什么我也不知道。我一个人，游游荡荡。自由久了，也没有了目标。梦里醒来，发现墙上已经不自觉写满了你的名字。“
“单身，是茫然。恋爱，也彷徨。我明白，所以我用时间去证明了这颗心。不会因为你曾经的放弃而改变。“

“难道我真的是个笨蛋？一直错过已经在身边的幸福。“
“我们只是用时间找到了我们需要什么。时间，让我们认识了自己，也肯定了对方。“
“因为你，让我知道真正的幸福是什么。“

答应

明明说好答应彼此不再谈起“爱”，但为何还是做不到？

不是都说过把彼此当作朋友，但为什么两人之间的感觉又不怎么像普通朋友？

也许是我自作多情，想得太多，把简简单单的一对感情相得复杂去了吧？

有些时候，我总是问自己，我能不能够真的把这个感觉给忘掉？我可不是说是个轻易喜欢上一个人的，何况是谈到爱上一个人。诺是喜欢上了人，就会很难把她给忘掉。

明明是想在彼此中做个分明点，慢慢的离开对方，不要去想起对方，希望这样能够让这个感觉消失， 但对方却又使然不肯。心情中真的是好乱，好矛盾。

我是不喜欢不准守诺言的，答应了的事， 一定会照着答应而办。 但这次，我恐怕我办不到。

1st

today was filled with alot of "firsts".

first off, today was the first day in 3weeks that i went to work after 9.30. today was also the first day that i did nothing productive at work, all i did was surfing forums and chatting through msn. and most importantly, today was the first day on which i knocked off before the sun setted in 3weeks.

3 fricking weeks, filled with overtime to the twilight hours of the next day. 3 fricking weeks of nonstop manual labour. 3 fricking weeks of insufficient sleep. 3 fricking weeks in which all i did was sleep, eat and work. 3 fricking weeks in which my normal mode of transport was everyone's favourite $2.50 vehicle. imagine the chances of getting the same mercedes limo cab, with the same driver twice over 3days. thats how it was for the past 3 fricking weeks. 3 fricking weeks of smoking a pack of ciggs within 12 frickin hours. 3 fricking weeks of nonstop hokkien-spouted expletives at every screwed-up-task that happened.

逃避

work, the solution to all problems. troubled, just pour in every once of energy into work. overtime? not a problem, just another method to waste the time away and not think about the problem. fully focused, 100% concentration on work, just work. til one becomes so engrossed in the whole process, one doesnt even have time to contemplate and reflect upon the original problem. it could be described as an escape rope, a way to run away and not confront the issue, but everyone has their own methods. some people choose to go out for a run, work out in the gym, go out with friends, have a drinking spree, go shopping, etc. me? i just work.

its becoming more of a welcome escape route, a convenient excuse. just work and work and work until the body becomes automated, the brain switches off, and at the end of the day, one just becomes so engrossed, so tired, that the whole schedule for a day becomes, work, sleep, work.

but now, even problems would arise from work. so such happens. fucked ups, screw jobs, bullshits, blah blah blah. it takes immense self control, not to mention several packs of ciggerettes a day, just to keep myself from tipping over and exploding like a bloody supernova.

他妈的， 我真的好想跑去海边好好的大声地大喊一场。。。。。把所有的烦恼，统统地把她喊出。。。。

恋爱与暗恋者

人们都说，恋爱中的人都是最幸福，也是最不懂得珍惜的。得到了幸福，人就会把它当成一个理所当然的事；失去了才知道当时所拥有的，是多么珍贵。

那暗恋的人呢？暗恋的人，应该是在爱情这境界里最惨痛的吧。 就像是歌里所唱的；“爱我的人对我痴心不悔， 我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲，在乎的人始终不对 谁对谁不必虚伪”。当所爱上的人不知或不还情， 却又放不下，人生里的每一天仿佛是个折磨。 有些时候，有些事情，不是说做就能够做到的；不是口中说要放就能那样随风而放走的。。。

最后

"能不能让我把你忘记
能不能把我停下对你追寻
或许我能不再想你 "

我就好像是走到了一个四肢路口的感觉. 在等交通灯变青时, 别人已经开始走动了,但我还是不动 的呆在同样的位子. 虽然这也是早已预料到的下场，但还是不知为何发呆。

两人虽然口中说把事情当作笑话来看，但心中却是另一个故事。外表显示不把事情当作一回事,但心里...

你
心中还是放不了他
而我
只能说是有缘无份吧
互相彼此都放不下心中人
到了最后受伤最深的也就只是我们

也许是我表错情了
也或许是我太傻了
既然大家这样下去都不快乐
也只能各人退后一步了
到了这个地步
又想把你真的忘记
但心中还是放不下去
又想不再据徐想你
但我知道你是永远会存在我的心里