最长远的距离

雨中漫步
孤单的走着那条路
脑海一片糊涂

寂寞秋天
看着人群来往的期间
始终忘不了你那一面

也许是我自作多情
也或许是我太过天真
脑海里始终分不清
把不可能的梦当真

我可以为了你
从天涯跑到海角
但我知道在你心里
始终没有我的地位
原来全世界里
最长远的距离
是我在你身边
而你不知道我是爱着你

再见

沉默的那个寂寞期间
你我只是几次偶尔碰过
沉默的那个寂寞期间
你我彼此都忙着各人生活

寂寞的我也预料不到
你那迷人的微笑
就改变了一切
改变了我的世界

你对我
说了个再见
不知不觉改变了我的世界
我那时
又不知该如何
去面对我所对你的感觉

我看我
自己想得太多
也可能是我自己所犯下的错
难道在你
眼前的我
始终对你
始终就是不算什么

security blanket

"“男人哭吧哭吧哭吧 不是罪，再强的人也有权利去疲惫 "

my time was the time of the macho men, the infallible iron bodies that would shield their loved ones from all harm. there was only heterosexual. metrosexuals, snags, were all classified as faggots and weaklings. weak, spineless guys who cant stand up to any sweat and blood. my father is a prime example of le ancien regime. much of my values and principles in life were cultivated by him.

"在我年少的时候, 身边的人说不可以流泪"

so, its really hard for me to feel vulnerable. he was the standard, and will always be the standard for which i will measure myself against. to show your weakness was to fail. so now, you could pretty much understand where i'm coming from. i'd tried to match up to his expectations, be it hidden or shown, and yet somehow, i'd always feel like i've failed him each and everytime, even if he doesnt say it or appears not to care.

you'd remember the snoopy cartoons, Linus always has his security blanket. for me, my security blanket would be my coarse behaviour and crude language. you'd know i'm trying too hard when i start acting all "beng-ish" and spouting all my half past six hokkien. in a way, this behaviour has become a buffering zone around me, eliminating any previous awkwardness in me.

its often said, once bitten twice shy. previous brushes with matters of the heart was disastrous, thus it's difficult to find faith in this area. thus, whenever it seems that situations involving the other sex is in danger of turning into something more, i'd always steel myself and find ways to draw myself out from the situations. the for-mentioned behaviour comes in pretty handy in these types of situations. decent girls would find it a turn off and i'd be safe. the disadvantage of this is that, it seems now i'm branded as an ah beng.... not that i've anything against anything or anyone...well, i guess the security blanket worked too well...

me me me

there is no one like me. its a fact.

i was never part of the popular group, be it in school or work. the only clique i was ever in was the so called "unwanted" group. back in secondary school, everyone would want to be in the group with the popular guys, hanging onto their coat tails. i was either busy kicking/smoking my grades away or with the normal tech guys. i wouldnt term them as bad company, in fact, i'd bet all of them had more guts and 讲义气 than those in the express stream.

i'm not ashamed of the fact. even though there were times when i'd look at the frat boys and wished i was one of them, i knew i wouldnt, and couldnt be in their circle, even if i'd try. to me, what's most important to a person is his principles. even if a guy is poor, if his principles are upright and he sticks to them, he'd be richer than any of the richest people with a less den savoury reputation. 对我来说，我宁可做个穷光蛋。。也不做个王八蛋。。

no more fun

tuesday. september 12. 2006. 53minutes into the day.

for some reason, i find myself regressing back to my insomnia days. dont know why. its kind of sudden altogether. there hasnt been any depression attacks ever since starting on the job. and yet, somehow, i find myself getting more and more downcast as the days go by. life's starting to feel empty. in the past, whenever i get these attacks, football's always the cure. i truly believed in living, eating and breathing football. but now, even the game has lost much of its appeal to me. the sunday games are starting to feel more like a chore rather than enjoyment.

i used to want to start in every game, to play in every game. sitting out on any game is tough, watching from the sidelines, edging the teams to score and knock out the other team; its like being in a race car with your hands tied behind your back. yet the past few sessions, this feeling isnt as strong as it was. the desire to play wasnt there. it was merely just another session to meet old friends, chat a while, get a few minutes of run out. as sad as it is for me to say it, but the game no longer interests me.

as does other previous interests. computer games? stopped playing them ever since 6months ago, unless you count solitaire and freecell. drawing? haven't been drawing much for the past few years. writing? look at the sessions of this blog and you'll get what i mean.

damn it, maybe i'm beginning to ease into the middle aged syndrome...

COMEX

its enough to make anyone with half a working mind go beserk.

why the FUCK do people bring their FUCKING kids and babies along to a bloody IT show? and worse still, why the FUCK do people have to wheel their FUCKING baby prams into the bloody squeezy convention centre? its already squeezy and stuffy enough already, with everyone thronging into the hall on the last day, hoping to get some good last minute offers. if i wasnt in control of myself, i would have pushed and kicked any baby prams or small irritating kid that's in my way. fuck social etiquette, screw social impressions, to hell with public consideration. those bloody idiots overstepped the boundries of logical thinking and public consideration in the first place. you want a family outing? bring your whole entire fucking family, all fucking 3 or 4 generations of it, you can even throw in your maid, for all i care. just have the fucking common sense or decency to do so when the crowd wont be so chaotic. bloody idiots can just take their bloody baby prams and shove it up their candy asses.