world in tatters

its alright
not that the world really cares
i havent got myself into another dumb fight

its okay
not like anyone would give a damn
i guess i'd just look back on yesterday

everything's alright
nothing's the matter
apart from the fact
that everything's in tatters

the world's falling apart around us
but everyone else seems comatose
would someone please wake up
and look at the state we're in

nothing's wrong
not like any eyebrow would be raised
the world would just quietly move along

everything's alright
nothing's out of place
its just me and my paranoid craze
or thats what so they say

old endings

the year's coming to an end. guess i'll be starting over again soon.

and more importantly, word of peace and prayers to the victims of the tsunami and earthquake.

with an i

with an i

i could relate to that..

actors

isnt there anything out there? you know, for some reason or another, the next few lines i'm going to write will have totally no connection at all in any normal sense. like, why is the sun not so hot here. or maybe the world needs a new debt. are actors and actresses real? am i really alive? ok thats it. the last one hit it.

movies. another doorway to escape the realities of life. or is it another way of mocking life itself.

some movies are just made for the actors(im generalizing both genders together). just take a look at Julia Roberts in Notting Hill. or to a certain extent, Catherine Zeta-Jones in American Sweethearts. both films of which by the way, i really liked. you could call me gay or whatever, but watching the 2 shows back to back the lst few days are just really... nice. i couldnt find the word for it, so nice would have to suffice for now. not to mention i'm a sucker for romantic shows. i mean, the 2 shows, especially American Sweethearts could just make you fall in love with Julia's characters. the park scene in Notting Hill was just executed perfectly. and in American Sweethearts, the whole twist of the storyline, not to mention Billy Crystal's perfect timing, just made the love story between Kiki and Eddie so...nice. here we go again.

enough of actresses, before i get all woozied up. the 2 best actors out there in my own honest opinion has to be John Cusack and Edward Norton. i loved Norton ever since American History X. that show rocked. talk about gritty and in your face with emotional and touchy issues. he is just so under-rated. brooding sense of masculinity. if you ever wanted a definitive movie, go get Fight Club. nuff said. that show just speak volumes. but Norton hasnt been making any good films recently, but who knows.

and Cusack. the usual blink and you'll miss him guy. yeah, that was before Grosse Point Blank. comedy and thriller all rolled into 1. follow that up with Con-Air. and some low key shows like Pushing Tin and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. before bahm! Being John Malkovich. that show is just itchingly funny. after that, you get his feel good romantic shows like High Fidelity, Serendipity and American Sweethearts. he just brings that down-to-earth feeling to his characters, which is something rare these days imo.

"But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end" something from Love Actually.

reflections on the past year

its boxing day, christmas was just yesterday, guess i should really be thankful for the past year and post some happy thoughts. i'd love to for a change, but everything in me and around me, just speaks volumes about negativity. and im just gorging on it.

the past year was nothing but...actually it was nothing. forgettable to say the least. so i went to taiwan, and brunei, and got commissioned. as well as the commissioning ball. so what. i still feel empty. like a husk. or maybe i'm just meant to breeze through my whole life feeling worthless and empty. everything was, and still is, fucked up, and i'll take the blame for it. im not blaming anyone for the state of my life. no, i'm thankful for the fact that i'm alive to feel all these negativity. maybe im just waiting for someone to come pull me out of this rut, or maybe im just waiting for the big bad cape-cladded Mr. D to come end this.

ok. shuck the bad things apart. heres the good part.




at least i'm not on drugs.

would it

would it be a mistake to love?

would it be better to not know the things we know?

would ignorance be bliss?

would it be better if feelings were cast aside, to be cold and devoid of passion?

today

today, i have smoked a total of 25cigs(during working hrs). nothing to be proud of. nothing notable about it. apart from the fact that it was 11sticks straight during one session and another 14 sticks straight in another session. i guess the nickname 'dragon' from my men really means something. its not always i smoke so much at 1 go. i only do that when i'm really really bored or i'm troubled by certain events. today was a combination of both. all my superiors wasnt in today. no new requests to fulfill or tasks to complete. that covers the bored part.

the troubles were a bit more complicated. of course some part of it concerned girls. but majorly, the troubles were on my future. unlike most of my peers who went through the JC route(thus pretty much ensuring their place in the local university, and not to mention having no rush about the thoughts of their future), i opted for a more unconventional route(at least it was a route less taken at that time, and given my O level grades too). i'm not bragging, i'm not saying i'm a genius. hell no. i just got lucky in the exams.

but back then, just after getting the O level results, i could pretty much enter any JC, apart from Raffles, i want. instead, i went for the polytechnic route. i knew what i was getting myself into, at least i think i knew. only the top 10% of the course could enter the local universities(yeah talk about equality), but at that time, no local university offered any design degrees. i'm not rich enough to go overseas. so it would seem that the end of my poly days would also spell the end of my schooling days.

now, it seems like time for reality check. no local university options. no money to go overseas. no prospects of a game design career here in singapore. no money or financial backing for capital to start business venture. so it seems after my life in the army comes to an end, i'd most probably be left with little to none prospects.

daunting thoughts..

confession

all right. i'll come clean this once. i cant sleep at night anymore. and the reason i cant sleep now...well thats debatable....

it used to be about a girl. i couldnt get her out of my head. couldnt stop thinking about her. took me almost 2years and a phone call to finally get over the fact that i'm just a pyscho stalker. now it feels like a repeat all over again. god(if there ever was one, im being blasphemous here, stopped believing in god since i was what...around 9?) can i ever hate myself. i'd always want the things i cannot get. when i first met her, i thought 'yeah, well, see you arount'. never took much notice of my surroundings anyway back then. was too zoned out. and no i was not on drugs. can a heart be broken too many times to be healed? i'd always dream of what i'd do, but never had the chance to do it. buy the gifts for the occassions, but never get the opportunity to give it.

i donno...maybe i should just go away someplace no one can find and stay there...

life or something like that

funny isnt it. an acquaintance remarked that we as individuals are inconsequential. we live and we die. the world still goes on. life still carries on. maybe people will stop for a moment and take the time to mourn and remember the person. but only for a moment. after that, time passes and everything resumes back to its daily routine.

so why do the things the majority deem important?

why get a degree? why aim for a safe and comfortable paying job?

why stick with majority? why not state and stand for your own views?

why do this? why do that?

girls

seems to me girls are funny beings. its well documented that to us guys, females seems to be from another planet altogether. i'll just add on my own 2cents in this. no need to go alert the bra-burning thong-twirling frizzy haired and shrill-voiced feminist, i'm sure they'll come by this and just brush it off as amatuerish or immature. or at worst, i'll be cooped up and fearing for my life the minute i step out, but thats not likely to happen.. i hope.

according to my observations, there are 2 kinds of girls. the first kind are those that really dresses up. they put on makeup, wear heels or stillettos, skirts or mini skirts and act all stand off-ish and unattainable by the regular guy. unless the regular guy happens to be rich and/or successful. but that wouldnt be a regular guy wouldnt it. but i digress. they dress up all nicely, and hang out in cliques at the popular clubs or watering holes around town, waiting for the next rich/successful/handsome guy to pick them up. or the worst of this group will throw themselves at the caucasians. i'm a bit biased in my views, but thats how i see the majority of this group of girls anyway.

the 2nd group are those that wear the hip-hop clothes, go around in mis-matched clothings thinking they're cool, wear sneakers instead of heels and flashing the bling blings. they dont really care about their appearances, hence the lack of makeup. maybe their manicured and painted nails are the only thing that resembles feminism on them. they too hang around in cliques but gather at places like shopping centres and outdoor squares. the guys they mix around with usually are those with the hip hop gear and the bling blings.

there are other types of females, but these 2 are the more, for the lack of a better word, notice-able ones.

disclaimer: hey. everyone's entitled to their views, and opinions are like asses, so get off mine and dont start running after me with your burning bras and kitchen knives.

lousy day

just when i was going to add a new entry to this depressing pile...stupid adware/spyware attacks.. ARGH! man, am i starting to hate these stupid stuffs as well as IE, could be turning over to firefox if it keeps on going like this...

had another lousy monday. dragged into to see the boss and got ticked off for nothing. like, i could do anything at all without official rights and taking over!! what am i supposed to do, sit in the office waiting for knock off? that means i cant move around or go over to the mess and relac one corner???!!! there's nothing i can do in the office anyway, people come in and want me to indent this indent that, but i'm not officially cleared to clear their requests!! bah....stupid boss.

and just when i thought, time to knock off and go home, wham. make that a big WHAM. last minute meeting called up for mess committee. and at fucking 6 o'clock. lasted till 8. reached home at 10. i could eat someone to quench the anger...

back

i am back. from a bout of flu, fever, sore throat, coughing, and what else you can throw into this volatile mix of biological irritants. well, actually, i'm just recovered from the flu and fever part. that explains why i havent been updating it for the past week. and throw in some duties...

now onto some updates.

actually, i cant think of anything to update. lying in bed all sweaty aint exactly been fun. other than that, nothing's really been happening. or at least, nothing of importance to me.

par·a·dox (pr-dks)n.
- One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects

sounds like me. sometimes, in fact, all of the time, i feel like i'm a paradox.

i'm perfectly fine alone, yet i yearn for some company.
i hate excercising, yet i'd jump at the chance to just play ball some time soon(again).
i dread death but i dont really like life either.
i'm introverted but i crave attention.

i must be the biggest question mark walking around these days...

勇气

如果早知会发生什麽
我就会远远的离开你
两人彼此也不会不快乐

如果早知道会失去你
我就会选择别爱你
因为没有你生活肯本没意义

我是
真的真的好想见你
但是
总是无法离开我这里
我恨我自己
当你在的时候
总是没有勇气
只能静静的看着你走

每当我拿起了电话
想要跟你谈天说话
但结果总是像个傻瓜

每当我无聊待在家里
即使是看着电视机
也会不知不觉地会想起你

我是
真的真的好想忘记你
但是
总是无法把你抛出我心里
我恨我自己
当你在的时候
总是没有勇气
只能静静的看着你走

hate

i

hate

lag

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.
.

i

hate

my

computer

.
.
.
.
.

i

hate

my

life



















i wish i could die right now..............

recycling stuff

call me lazy but the feelings washing over me again..

Mon, Nov. 8th, 2004, 12:21 am

love...

...is something i doubt will happen to me.

just heard an old song playing on the radio. reminded me of my painful past. *sigh*and i thought i had gotten over her. a friend of mine once remarked something about memories. why do we have memories? some are pleasant, but most are not. i'm afraid mine is more like 99% bittersweet memories that i'd rather forget.

just thought to share some things:

~libraries are filled with books, each with its own story to tell. but when you fall in love, reality becomes a story more beautiful than that of any book.

~its better to lose your pride to the one you love,than to lose the one you love because of pride.

~love is measured by the holes it left in your heart. (how true...)

~it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. but what is most painful is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.

~it takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to fall in love with someone. but it takes a lifetime to really forget the person you've grown to love.

~fate brings one together, but destiny will seperate them.

i had experienced all these before, and judging by no.3, i doubt my heart will heal anytime soon. but this last one really holds a lot of meaning to me...

~the hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her to tell her how much you love her...just because you are only a friend..