wtf

oh yay.

apparently, i cant view my blog on my system, whether its IE or FF.

hooray...

perceptions

its been often said that music is the food for the soul. i'd agree with it, but i'm not so certain about the part about "soul". is there really a thing such as a soul? everyone seems to keep on believing it does, but there just hasnt been any solid proof. i'm not that religious, but i'm not going to bash things i dont believe either. i always take things about these topics with a pinch of salt. so do read what i'm about to write below with an open mind.

i have nothing against christians, or their faith, but sometimes, some people just take their belief to terrifying extremes. apparently, its not just christianity, but looking at history, it seems christianity happens to have bad PR through out the ages. the Church had long expressed its belief in the whole "earth-being-centre-of-universe" thinggy during Galileo's time, and even persecuted and punished those who believed otherwise. thats one of the high profile PR blunders that religion has created throughout the ages. i'd admit while other religions were equally skewed in their views on that subject back then, but you dont really hear about the buddhist monks kicking the non-believers' asses or the islamic clerics proclaiming a fatwa against those who disagree, do you? but then again, most of what we are taught is mostly western history, since western culture has become so dominant; and history is written by the victors. so while there may have been such cases in other religions, the reason we dont know about it is because no one ever got the chance to tell it to the world. (talk about unfair competiton or market monopoly, but thats for another day.)

even most recently, there were reports of the Church,again, rejecting scientific claims and results. i mean, how stupid can people get? its been tested strenously, proven to be no fluke, and yet religious leaders are refusing to acknowledge the fact. this just shows the short-sightedness and narrow minded-ness of those people.

if i go on, i'm afraid that i'll just be branded as an anti-christian, but i have to say, i've only stated valid points, and i've stated the reasons for my writings. this post didnt really started off as religion-bashing rantings, but sometimes, words just seem to have a mind of their own.

what i really wanted to write or discuss was about whether religions and stuff like souls really exist. its like people acknowledge that there's souls, heaven and hell exists, elvis is still alive and kicking; but there just hasnt been any proof to these claims.

ok, so lets take things on a really open mind and with a general dose of salt. take heaven for example. people often think of heaven as ...er, well, a heavenly place. a glorious, wonderful, place for the worthy to relax and enjoy. i think, if there really is afterlife, and heaven really exists, a lot of people would be disappointed if they entered heaven. they have that wonderful perception of heaven, but you always get disappointed when your hopes are high, dont you?

closing a chapter

To "her" :

i know you'd probably never read this, or come across this blog. i'm not sure if you'd even remember who i am. but i'd write this just to end a chapter in my life that was never properly closed.

i'm sorry that things had had to come to an end like that. the blame wasnt yours to take. its just me. it always is, and always will be. i'm sorry that i wasnt what you had expected. i'm sorry that i wasn't the loud and funny persona that chatted with you every night. i'm sorry that all i could provide you was a listening ear and some run-of-the-mill advices. i'm sorry if my smoking had ever irritated you. i'm sorry if i wasn't aggressive enough to go for you when i had the chance. i'm sorry if my pessimistic view of the world had ever bored in on you.

i was never really interested in you in the beginning. i'd treated you as just another friend. but your warm heart and ready laughter changed my mind, as time went by. i found myself being drawn to you. your mood was infectious, and rarely blue. yet, it seemed like a relationship that was never destined to bloom. i must haved been blinded by foolish optimism. how could a girl like you, who had everything in the grasp of your hand, ever be drawn to a guy like me? our social status were world's apart. it was all just a hopeful fantasy, egged on by the constant phone/irc conversations on almost every night.

i supposed i must have been blind not to see it coming. your laughter came less and less often, and your heart became guarded after your break-up. even though you stoic-ly tried to maintain your same old dignity, there was something different about you. i knew you were breaking up inside, but i could offer you nothing of help, save comforting words and a friendly shoulder. but those are just words, and words don't really do anything of aid in those situations. i didnt want to appear as a predator on your vulnerable state then. i didnt want to be your rebound guy. i had problems of my own during that time, but it was you that had been the focus of my life at the time. all i ever heard of you by then were rumours and some news from friends. the phone calls stopped and the conversations ended. i tried calling you but those calls went unanswered.

4 years have gone by since i last saw or heard from you. last i heard, was your brother telling me you were heading to japan. during these 4 years, i always held on to the slimmest threads of hope. was it hope or desperation, i dont know. every silhoutte i saw would appear to be you, every night, the thoughts of you would be wracking my head. to tell the truth, i have not been able to lay the ghost of you to rest in my mind. i suppose its time for me to let go now, if not for you, then to just discard the burden on my sanity. all i can say to you now, if you ever hear of it, is thank you for all the joy you had brought to my life, the memories that always brings a smile, and blessings on whatever your future might hold.





goodbye.

clashing thoughts

"i'd say hey, what's going on..."

my mind is in bits and pieces right now. it always is. anything and everything i think of is just incoherent thoughts. thats because i think too much. its like, what is going on around here. nothing. i dont even know what on earth i'm doing. i never do.

wake up

i used to have problems sleeping and waking up. who doesnt? i think its pretty well documented in my blog about my sleeping problems. but the waking up part. it used to be the usual "i-dont-feel-like-getting-out-of-bed" syndrome. now its suddenly turned into the direct opposite. it wouldnt be all strange if i didnt have problems sleeping. i usually crash at 2 or 3 in the morning, lie about staring at the ceiling for maybe 30min and hopefully sleep would take over me by then. but for the past few days, it seems that i'm being pushed to wake up by my own body at around 6 to 7 in the bloody morning. i mean, whats up with that? i think i'll be turning into a zombie if this carries on.

private or public

some random thoughts to start off the day.

- the local clubbing scene is way too underaged, i think. and i dont know if its just me or anything, but guys' interpretation of dancing seems to extend up to pointing fingers, bobbing heads, and shaking about. i'm not saying that its wrong or anything, i'm fine with the bobbing heads and swiveling hips, its just the pointing fingers that amuses me.

- reel life and real life. in reel life, a romantic scene would be one where a pair of lovebirds go stargazing at night on an open patch of grassland. in real life however, such a scene would never be romantic unless you bring lots of insect repellant.

- i'm always bloated whenever i drink (hard liquor) lately. dont know why, could be too much beer i guess.

there, emptied out the thoughts at the moment.

lately, i havent been updating this as much as previously. its not because of a lack of topics. its more of n exposure problem. previously, i just wrote whatever i felt like writing. there wasnt any boundaries or guidelines. it was like a personel refuge for the outlet of all emotions. and i was pretty comfortable with that because (i believe) no one would ever bother reading up on the blog. sad to say, my previous experimentations with some other sites has brought my illusion crashing down. i could go to the site and switch off the links, but the site lags badly, and i dont think it'll ever load up. bah, i'm making incoherent gabblings here now.

different

my close friends often remarked that i'm not the same as other people. jokingly, they'd say i'm abnormal. i guess they're right to a certain extent.

look around, and i see what they're getting at. people read japanese manga, i read american comics or graphic novels. people go ga-ga over anime, i'd prefer a good book. people get Warcraft 3 to play a mod called DotA, i get Warcraft 3 to play normal ladder maps. people listen to chinese pop, while i listen to english songs. even further, people who listen to english songs listen to the new songs, hip hop, rap, whatever. i listen to old 80s-90s songs. but then again, thats all just superficial differences, right? i do try to give in, and follow the masses time to time, but i just find that it doesn't really suits me. there may be one or two exceptions, but overall, i don't really see the hype behind the things.

maybe i'm just weird, or i'm just another superficial being.

madness

is it just me? or has the world gone mad? again?

i think its just me.

its too hot these days during what is supposedly a 'winter' period. or rather, monsoon period.

blogs online have somehow supplanted traditional diarys now. except, for one major point. in a traditional diary, you can fill it with all the crap and filth you want, and no one would ever give a shit about it. now, blogs however, would appear to be public property, as its on some form of public domain, open to the public, and anyone and everyone can read your blog. so while you can write something racist or radical in your diary, you cant do the same in your blog. kind of brings about the question of free speech into context there.

but then, free speech is just another utopian ideal. its not possible ever to be implemented in the real world without any form of compromise. for example, if you hear a white man say "nigger", he would be punished for being racist. but when a black man says the same word, its a whole different ball game. ok, maybe that example didnt really illustrate my point. what i'm trying to say is, free speech, in all its glorius term and context, means everyone has the right to say out what they really feel about. but in real life, doing just that would get you charged in court here in sunny old singapore, or other forms of punishment carried out against you elsewhere.

so there, food for thought.

ask and you shall recieve...

these days, nothing much gets by. seems i always start off an entry like that now.

haven't spoken a word for quite some time now, instant messaging doesnt count. i dont speak much usually, and i dont really have any spoken word interaction with anyone, not even with my family. i'm kinda detached and anti-social, i know, but it helps in getting things done and keeping a cool head when surroundings are boiling. besides, i dont really see the need to speak when there's nothing intelligent or coherent to speak about. i used to wonder, if i don't speak for quite some time, will i ever forget how to speak?

and to soulburnz:

hey, you should know i'm not a believer in any religion. on my identity card states my religion as buddhism, but i dont really buy into any religious stuff. one could say i'm a moderate religious person, but then again, i dont really believe that there's a god up there. the times i blaspheme with any religious terms are usually when i use them in a pop culture sense of way. i'm interested in a lot of stuff, scriptures, the bible, quran, but the main point of interest in these is to know more about them. that doesnt mean i'm converting to being a muslim when i suddenly get spotted reading any translated form of their holy book, or that i've suddenly turned to christianity when i start quoting the bible.

and finally, to clear things up, that quote from my last entry, was immortalised in pop culture forever when samuel l. jackson, big cool muthafucker he is, said it in Pulp Fiction(best film in my opinion, after Taxi Driver) as Jules Winnefield before he blew some muthafucking asshole up.

update

nothing's been happening to me these days. same old bum life. only difference is, time sure does goes on a lot slower than it used to. i dont really keep track with the dates; to me, a day's a day. and now, it seems that a month suddenly appears to be much much longer than the usual 30-odd days span to me. days go on usual time on me, but months and weeks are a different matter. i know, i don't probably make any sense right now, blame it on too much shows i've been watching. not those usual crap they show on the free-to-air crap channels on the box, i'd never really watched regular television, except for football. i've switched over to watching vcds/dvds ever since they pulled the plug on regular football on the crap channels that i got available. and what i'm about to quote probably has no fucking meaning or relation to what i've just written, but who cares anyway.

Ezekiel 25:17.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.