of lifts and doors

its been a while since i last dumped anything, was busy with work; happily(although tiring) chalking up the overtime hours. today would be the first day in 3weeks since i have had any time to rest.

travelling takes quite a chunk of time throughout the day for most people. be it your own car/bike, or taking the public transport, people often spend quite a considerable amount of their time throughout the day travelling from point to point. and for people taking public transport, it means being squeezed and packed like a can of sardines taking the bus or train. every morning and evening, people rush, oushm shove, squeeze, do anything and everything possible to jump the queue and get to the front of the line waiting to enter the door of the train or bus whenever it arrives. there is something that really puzzles me whenever i encounter such behaviour. evenings, i can understand; everyone's anxious to get home. but mornings? everyone says they hate their jobs, they dont like what they're doing, yet why the rush to get to work? even when its early in the morning, with little to no chance of being late, unless some freak incident like a fallen tree cutting off a major road happens.

cant people just stop being so pushy over such a simple matter? whether they're at the front or outside the queue, they'll get on the bus/train anyway most of the time. most of the time, the mad rush is due to them wanting to grab a seat and not stand for the journey. it would be understandable if the trip lasts a long time, but for 1 or 2 stops? you grab a seat, usually on the outside; near the walkway, leaving the window seat empty. another guy comes on and and motions to you he wants the seat. you move in so as to avoid having to smell the guy's bum. 1 stop later, your turn to alight. the guy has to make space for you to get out of the bus. or you grab a seat. the bus is crowded and when you have to alight, you have to squeeze your way to the alighting door. wouldnt it be more convenient for everyone if you had just stood somewhere closer to the exit when you boarded in the first place?

its the same with lifts. in my pissed off opinion, everyone who lives/works on the 2nd floor should be banned from taking lifts. unless they're severly disabled or old folks. to me, its like "what the fuck are you taking the bloody lift for when you get off the 2nd floor?!?!" its wasting everyone's time and why cant people take the bloody stairs? its only 1 floor, climbing 1 or 2 flight of stairs wont kill anyone. everytime someone gets into the lift and alights at the 2nd floor, i curse and swear at them, their ancestors, their families, and anyone who's related to them. its just bloody irritating. at the rate i'm going, i think i should have cursed at least ­a quarter of the population.

if this is the gracious or whatever fuckshit society the government wants to have, i'd say good luck to anyone who is too high up on their pedestal that they cant see the normal ordinary life below them...

story : interlude

they laid on the ground for a while, before the sky started to lighten. both of them sat up, and watched the sun rise.

"its beautiful, isnt it?"said stella softly,"its almost like what they show in the movies..."

"only that the person next to you doesnt know that you love her..." uttered terry to himself.

~~~

the few days following that day's incident, stella would look terry up whenever she was free. she felt carefree and comfortable around him, the worries of the world not reaching her whenever she was with him. in those few days, she regained her former happy self. it was the happiest days of her life since the breakup. they had arranged to meet up on friday to go to the beach again. but 2 days before, terry recieved a call from stella. she told him her parents were taking the family away on an overseas holiday this friday, so she couldnt go to the beach on friday with terry. who was to know that was the last that terry ever heard from stella....

Deep Inside of You
Third Eye Blind

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you

And I never felt alone
till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cos I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you
You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost
deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed

I've lost myself, there's nothing left

It's all gone

Deep inside of you

story : insert

this isnt really the continuation of the story. its just an insert, rather, something like the author's notes, foreword, afterthought, or something like that. reading through what i've written so far, it does seem to me that the story has been dragged longer than what i had originally set out to write.

and yes, soulburnz, what i wrote somehow mirrored my experiences, although not everything is as written, ie some parts are real, some parts made up, i'll leave it up to you to decide whats real and whats not. maybe one day, maybe, i'll reveal all, but not now. it could go along with all those hollywood policies of 'based on a true story', where they get the original, twist and bend it until it becomes nothing recognisable from what really happened, except mine isnt so much 90% hollywood, 10%real.

music is an integral part of my life, you couldnt spot me alone without any form of music playing. at the every start of every part, i usually have a line from a song that reflects the mood of the story, or hint at what the characters feel at that stage in the story. its some sort of a spoiler. overall, what i really wanted to say in this entry is about the music. too bad about the copyrights law and what sort of ruling though. but i guess they cant say that i'm breaking the law by posting lyrics, cant they? if this story could have a theme song, i guess it would be a close fight between 3 songs. Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter, Third Eye Blind's Deep Inside of You and Mayday's 温柔. all 3 meloncholic heartrending songs. but Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter would perfectly fit the ending i have in mind.

p.s. i'm tempted to kill someone everytime i start to write another chapter in this story....hahaha....

story : letting go

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others. ~ Sense and Sensibility

terry's thoughts were in turmoil throughout the entire time during the journey. stella, meanwhile, had cried herself to sleep inside the cab, her head resting on terry's shoulder. he was at a loss of what to do. he wanted to wrap his arm around her, to comfort her, yet he didnt want to take advantage of the vulnerable state she was in. the journey seem to take forever.

when they reached the place, terry paid the taxi-driver and woke stella up.

"we're there."
"where are we?"
"we're at the beach, sorry but i couldnt think of any place. besides, the sun is about to rise in an hour's time."

they walked slowly, side by side, re-enacting the scene underneath her block once again, to the sandy shores.

"i use to come by here every time when i was feeling down and sad, which is usually in the twilight hours," said terry. "at that hour, there's no one around and i just lie down, stare at the stars, close my eyes, listen to the rolling and crashing of the waves, and let myself go free from all the things that are troubling me."

"is it effective?" asked stella, gazing at the stars in the sky.

"it works for me usually, though there are times when i just couldnt get away from all the troubles...."

"what do you do then?"

"you really wanna know? its quite embarrasing, you know..."

"oh, you can trust me, i wont let anyone in on your little secret. cross my heart." stella said with a slight giggle as she crossed her heart with her fingers innocently.

the 2 of them laughed at that and the mood lightened considerably. it was good to see stella smile again.

"sure you won't tell?"asked terry mockingly stern.

"hey, i crossed my heart, didnt i?" pouted stella.

"ok, ok, i'm sorry. dont come down hard on me, it was all in good jest..." terry said hastily. " well, when the troubles dont go away, i see if anyone's around. if nobody's around, i just shout out loud and long til my breath's gone."

stella laughed at that, her laughter like a sprinkle in spring. "thats nothing to be embarrased about, you know. in fact, i always wanted to do that, but i could never find the place."

they came to a nice little open patch of grass beside the sands, and settled down. terry laid down flat on the grass, gazing at the heavens while stella sat down, watching the waves crashing onto the shore.

"this place is like a little piece of haven," said stella softly.

"yeah, it is, isnt it?" terry replied.

the silence between them was no longer uncomfortable, and both felt at ease around each other, forgetting most of their troubles. after some time, stella laid down as well and gazed at the stars.

"the stars are beautiful tonight....." exclaimed stella softly.

"beautiful things dont last a lifetime, its just a moment of beauty that captivates all of us then its gone. thats what makes it beautiful," uttered terry.

"you are a very bad wet blanket, you know that?" stella punched terry playfully and lightly on the arm.

"its just my thought..."

"well, scrap that thought and lets just enjoy the moment."

on their backs, stella and terry gazed at the stars twinkling away in the twilight of the night, terry pointing out the stars and constellations to stella. after some time, stella turned away and started sobbing.

"whats wrong?" terry sat up and looked over at stella, concerned.

"its.......i just....i still cant get over it........."

"you wanna scream it out?"

"you really think it would work?"

"you wouldnt know unless you try it," encouraged terry.

then, all of a sudden, stella just sat up and grabbed terry's hand and ran to the shore. terry, startled, stumbled as he was led by stella.

"you got to help me first, you know. you're the expert on this."

"well, you take a deep breath, let it go all out and shout at the top of your voice." offered terry. "on 3?"

"ok, 1,2,3!"

their shouts filled the night. stella kept on shouting and shouting, terry accompanying her, until the both of them ran out of breath. they walked back, and the both of them slumped back onto the ground.

happy thoughts

ok, time to break away from all the melodramatics and depressive thoughts. its rare that i get this feeling of fuzzy-ness nowadays, but hey, i might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

i dont usually like kids. i mean, i used to love kids, especially my cousins, nephews and nieces younger than me, although it feels weird when a kid 4-5yrs younger than you calls you uncle when you are 11-16. my cousins, nephews and nieces were all adorable and good kids. now most of them have grown up, all becoming super yandaos and pretty gals, unlike poor old me. so there goes the adorable and cute images of them, tucked away in retro-town. but kids get on my nerves easily when i got to around 17 plus. kids running around screaming their lungs out in public places will 100% irritate the hell out of me. i always have to forcibly suppress the intention to go straight to the brats' parents and tell them off. and kids running around and screaming out loud next door early in the morning will certainly drive me mad. damn, i'm going off into negativity zone again....

anyway, i visited my relatives yesterday for the final day of the lunar new year. and there was a small brat(albeit referred to affectionally) of around 3-4 and a newborn baby(1month). the kiddo was adorable, and fun to play with. i almost forgot how much i liked kids until he got me. you probably cant imagine sad old grumpy me enjoying playing with pre-school kids. then there was the baby. excuse me while i go all-out-crazy-mode, but she is soooooooooo cute!! the way she stirs in her sleep, the way she moves when you cradle her, it just melts your heart. you just want to hold her, protect her and shower her with all your affections. adorable doesnt even come close to describing the little darling.

so thats it for all the kiddy talk now. so until the next time the neighbour's brats start yelling and screaming early in the morning, or make it any time of the day, maybe i can just tolerate kids around me.

name

what is it with the chinese fascination with adopting a christian name? is it to fit in with the crowd, to appear trendy, or just plainly for convenience's sake? i dont really understand it, unless your name is so un-pronounce-able, something like Xbhagaio. even them chinese folks in china are adopting weird, and i mean plain funny names like, vanilla, cream, or whatever you name it, most probably someone in china would be using that as a christian name.

i had the phase once, when i thought of getting a christian name. it appeared cool at that time. everyone had one, but then again, everyone was 16 once. but once you give it hard thought, you get over it. so what if i dont have a christian name, i'm proud of my name. its what my parents gave me, and by changing it, it just shows that i'm ashamed of my culture, my heritage, my roots, and most importantly, my parents. but it doesnt mean that all those who adopt christian names are shallow. some do it for convenience, working in some big MNCs with a lot of caucasians who might find it hard to pronounce the chinese words. but then that begs another question. if us non-english native speaking people could adopt and learn others' language and attempt to understand their culture, why cant they do the same? why do we always have to conform to others, to change and 'bend' ourselves in order to suit others? is it because our cultural identity and heritage is so weak that we cannot stand up for them?

question

it is an interesting question, this. do you go for looks or do you go for ability? its has to be the oldest question that has puzzled man for as long as he started to develope some semblence of intelligence. "Do i use the bigass club or the cooler-looking wussy spear to kill some mammoths today?"

this question has been translated so many times, and now, in this modern age, the question is posed and directed at technology. take for handphones for example. a handset with all the latest technology crammed into its tiny shell wouldnt be tiny at all. it would require a big bulky shell to accomodate all the necessary components to enable the latest techs. whereas, an aesthetically-pleasing design would not be achieved if some components weren't sacrificed for looks. you cant have all the eggs in the basket without breaking some of them.

another translation of this question could be pointed out to people. its the most cliche question ever. do you go for looks or inner beauty? sure, everyone would answer inner beauty, stating how if the person has a wonderful character, he/she would appear beautiful on the outside too; when they are actually thinking that they would take a looker with zero character over an ugly person with great character any day. i guess this just goes to show how superficial people really are.

so i wont bother posing this riddle to anyone, because i already know the answer....

a day in the life...

1. Anti Depressants - checked
2. Panadol Pills - checked
3. Prozac - checked
4. Medicated Oil - checked
5. Coffee - checked
6. Cigerettes - double checked

and the day goes on. well, i'm just exaggerating. really. out of those 6 items, i only use 1 everyday; not that the other 5 were also taken. its just for dramatic effect. (apart from the coffee, havent been able to find anyplace that sells real coffee; the kind that would keep you awake for hours)

not that my life is a drama. in fact, it couldnt be any further from that. my life, is a bore. and that would be an understatement. in fact, a snail's life is probably more interesting. (wonder if they could have switched to turbo engines when they feel some salt; or was it sugar, on their tails)

update then:

got a job, not as far as the days in army. not bad premises, non-existent office politics(so far), food is cheap there, abundant supply of cigerettes, pay is pretty good(on paper), and best of all, unlimited OT. yup, you heard me right, over time. you must be thinking, whats wrong with this guy? yeah, maybe i'm a screw loose up-there-in-the-you-know-where, but i'm enjoying this for now. over time with pay, i think i could bump up my monthly income by a few hundred(exaggerating again) if every week was like this so far. 2 days and a total accumulated OT worth of almost 10hours. and best of all, more to come this week! screw the sleepless nights, this aint as bad as the army, at least there's music and drinks and no boss hanging around during OT. the only drawback is the smell from the chemicals/paint inks of the printing machines, but thats really nit-picking.

yup, life is indeed a bore....and good so far.

story

"is love really the tragedy the way you might describe?"

it was 2.50am when terry reached stella's neighbourhood. as he got off the cab and walked towards stella's block, his mind was screaming a menagarie of thoughts at him.

what are you doing? are you mad? its almost 3 in the morning! she doesnt even like you! you're just some rebound guy for her! you dont even like her!(you dont, do you?) etc.

he was so lost in his thoughts that he overshot his destination. as he walked back, he called stella.


**********************************

what were you thinking? stella thought to herself. you just broke up! you're supposed to be sad, heartbroken! but here you are, calling a guy you dont know much about and asking him to come over!

she was confused. her thoughts were in turmoil. she was sad, she was lonely, she had this "all males are bastards" syndrome all girls have after a breakup, but she needed a shoulder to cry on. she needed someone to confide in. was it wrong?

then, the phone rang.


**********************************

"hello? stella?"

"terry?"

"yeah, i...uhm...i'm at your block now..."

"....i'll be right down........."


**********************************

terry was almost finishing his 5th cigerette when stella stepped out of the lift. quickly, he stubbed it out as she approached him.

"hey.......uhm.....i'm sorry 'bout the way things turned out...." terry started.

"can we dont talk about this?" stella cut him off. "can we go someplace else?"

"err.......anywhere?"

"anywhere but here........"

there was the uncomfortable silence as they walked side by side to the road. terry wanted to say something, but felt really stupid and awkward and didnt really know what to say anyway. stella was still crying, although it wasnt as bad as before, she was still sniffing and her mind was raging with the thoughts she had before he went down to meet terry.