forgetful

hm..i just had for 1 moment what i was going to spurt out here. but as usual, that thought went as fleetingly as it came to my mind. well, might as well write about how forgetful i am.

i forget people's names as soon as i meet them. i forget my birthday. i forget my age. i forget the most important things. i forget words to songs. i forget my house keys. i forget practically everything. i...crap, i forgot what i was going to write down. again. but i never forget my friends. nor my enemies. i'd go out on a limb for my friends. i'd make life a suffering for my enemies.

if for a single moment in your life, you meet someone whom you are attracted to, would you pick up the courage to approach him/her? if you made a mistake in your manner of approach, would you apologise, or would you just walk away, hoping to put the incident behind you and hope you forget that person?

truth is, i dont think i can forget any incident like that. sounds contradicting to what i had expressed above, but thats what i am, a contradiction. a paradox within this world. i think too much. i think myself to sleep. when i was young, i would think constantly about death, almost without fail every night, lying on the bed. i would literally scare myself to sleep every night then. in my teens, i would think about the next time when i would play football. then came girls. or rather, a girl. couldnt get her out of my head for 3whole years. miserable. couldnt sleep. started my constant insomnia ever since then. took me another year an a half to forget her. then came a slew of them. as if it couldnt get any worse. i have now decided that i do not want to think or have anything other than platonic relationships with the fairer sex. PLATONIC. girls think its a dirty word. that the kind of relationships could never happen unless 1)you're gay or 2)you're an eunuch.

bah. after so long(30min) i still cant remember what i wanted to write. hell with it. or (sorry to a forum board member for plagiarising your originality) FUKIFINO.... =)

punched drunk hate?

public holidays cut short my self imposed exile from home. pretty crap way to end something like that. life can be pissed-off boring in a camp where nobody stays in at any time, even if they live at the other end of the island. self amusement can only be restricted to playing console games, alone, listening to late night radio where they play all the sappy love songs and air sad sob love stories, or sleep.

seriously speaking, i dont even know what the hell am i doing alive nowadays. nothing to do, just a stupid deadline that keeps getting extended 'cos someone involved always didnt have time for their interviews and statements. work is like... smoke, walk around, see if theres anything the boss needs, smoke and more smoke. the workplace is pretty fucked up too. my men keeps complaining, my boss keeps pushing, i'm stuck in the middle, due to take over, and pretty much have no power over anything. the bloody politics are fucked up. actually there's no politics. there's only a dictatorship. 1 of the guys keep getting pushed around by my staff. i cant stand people pushing over smaller guys just because they feel like it. if its 1 thing i cant stand, its fucked up bullying.

thats all for now, elaboration and more crap when i'm more sober. think i'm gonna crash out now.

thats it for now

man am i worn out. note to self, going to play football after sleeping only 2 hrs and having a drinking spree the night before is not good.

well, this is it. i'm gonna collect some stuff froma friend and i'm gonna book in camp later. so that means i wont be updating this for quite some time...so till the next time.

Weeks and nites

Quite a lot has happened since I've been regularly updating this blog. I'm lying actually. Nothing much has happened, in fact, nothing much has changed. I'm still regularly stuck rotting at home or in camp most of my days, watching the time go and life fly by me like the butterflies in the morning. That is, when I'm actually awake in the morning.

last week was a total disaster. All of a sudden, I couldn't wake up in the morning anymore. Usually I'd have trouble sleeping, my usual knock out time would be around 2-4 in the morning, but I'd always wake up at around 5-6, whenever my alarm sounds. Now I have trouble sleeping AND waking up. The alarm doesn't even work anymore, even if the ring volume is at the loudest. I can't hear the alarm, my bio clock has gone haywire, and now I wake up earliest at 9-10 in the morning. Nothing strange one could say, but definitely something serious, considering my work starts at 8. Friday, I've gone completely awol. I slept at 4, and totally bombed out till 12. My upperstudy called me and told me off. Man I felt stupid then.

last night went out drinking with my friends at the usual watering hole. Nothing much, just drinking, watching some games, and singing some songs. The matches were profitable, I'd say. But the less said the better, haha, might not want some over zealous cop sussing me out for some 'dark' activities. The girls there coming over to our tables were quite new, never really seen them before. And most of the time, they'd talk to my friend. Not that I'm jealous or anything. My friends all look more approachable than me. me, I usually present myself as an aloof guy, not really approachable or 'happening'. I don't have that kind of friendly look or possess any special talk cock skill. In fact, I rarely speak, unless I'm near a mental breakdown and there's a qualified counselor in front of me. Even then, the counselor would have to pry the words out of my mouth with a crowbar. That's how talkative I am. I can maybe talk to a person for 1-2 minutes about some thing, then I'd run out of topics and the silence would be deafening, unless the other guy picks up the conversation. Truth is, I don't really like to talk much, I prefer to listen. I'm probably the most boring guy out there in the whole wide world.

got home at around 4, slept at around 5 but couldn't really fall asleep. My eyes would be closed, but my head would be thinking bout something and my ears just wouldn't seem to shut out the noise. not to mention my head pounding away from last night's stupid concotion I was made to drink from a forfeit. heh. I should just mention this and let it go. I cant get a girl I met last night out of my head. Its probably just another 5min fad, nothing will probably happen anyway. But better to get some things off my chest than to have it gnawing away inside.

and yeah, ENOUGH with the 'aid the victims of the tsunami' thing already. i know it might sound crass or anything, but i'd just about had enough with the whole gimmick. its not that i dont care, its just that the whole thing is like being blown totally way off course and some people are starting to use it as a gimmick. nowadays wherever i go, there are ads on buses, trains, cabs, tv, movies, on it. you name it, chances are there's probably an ad for it for the media.

and something else, for some reason or another, this post doesnt seem to appear...damn it.

back

its been a while since my last entry. and here i am, same old time as usual. life pretty much started on a wrong footing since the start of the year. had a tiff with my folks over my smoking. stayed in camp ever since then, only coming back home on weekends. this week flew past pretty quickly though. blink and its friday. funny, i didnt miss 'home' as much as i thought i would. one could say that home has became just another place where i just check in and check out of and stay for the night. life itself has become so fleeting and so monotonous.

the computer at home is starting to piss me off. or rather, the bloody spywares ingrating themselves into my computer. i know they're somewhere in there, but i just cant detect them. not spybot, not spydoctor, not even bloody old norton. maybe its time i reformatted the bloody old beige box or i should just go out and get meself a laptop.

chain letters

nice post on the chain letters... got me in guffaws.

http://chaosandserenity.blogspot.com/

new year new beginnings?

well, its the new year. another year i've made it through alive. goodness knows how long i'll last with the thoughts in my head.

new year with new beginnings. everything starts afresh. or does it? admittedly, the whole new year started off on a totally bad footing. i have overslept for the past 6 days, raining in the morning doesnt help, but thats just another excuse i'll admit. and for no reason whatsoever, i've suddenly become more angry and depressed. maybe its the thoughts of what will happen to me after my service ends later this year. the future doesnt bode well. i think i've totally shut myself off from the rest of the human world. i dont speak to my friends anymore, hell, i dont even talk to anyone, not even my family. the only solace i can take is from smoking. but i dont smoke at home, so that means i'd probably be talking 'long' walks in the middle of the night again.

and another confession. i think its about time to properly admit to this now. i'm a heavy chain smoker. after 11years of smoking(with a 2year cold turkey break in between), countless packets of marlboros, menthols, menthol lights, with the occassional cigar thrown in(smelly cheap stuff), i have grown from a social smoker to a really heavy chain smoker. i can like smoke up to 5sticks in half an hour if i'm bored or troubled, and up to 2 hard packs a day. no, i know its bad for health, my fitness is probably rock bottom now, and that it burns a very deep hole in my pockets, but i see no other alternative. i'm addicted to it. not in a normal sense of way as in craving, but whenever i'm troubled, i'd instinctively reach for the lighter and my pack of sticks.

enough of smoking. onto more serious stuff. the last year ended with a bang. the tsunami really put life in perspective. i mean, here i am, dumping stuff thats selfish all around here, and i'm not the only one, while countless people have lost their loved ones and are still suffering from the after effects. its really humbling and really puts my whole life into perspective. i mean, what are our troubles compared to the sufferings of the victims as well as those who have lost their loved ones? not to mention the families of those victims who are still missing. some people still refuse to wake up and go on whinging and griping about their personal 'sufferings'. come on, get a pair of glasses and wake up to reality guys. you're not the only one, there are worse off people than you, and right now they need our help. so quit being selfish.