security blanket

"“男人哭吧哭吧哭吧 不是罪，再强的人也有权利去疲惫 "

my time was the time of the macho men, the infallible iron bodies that would shield their loved ones from all harm. there was only heterosexual. metrosexuals, snags, were all classified as faggots and weaklings. weak, spineless guys who cant stand up to any sweat and blood. my father is a prime example of le ancien regime. much of my values and principles in life were cultivated by him.

"在我年少的时候, 身边的人说不可以流泪"

so, its really hard for me to feel vulnerable. he was the standard, and will always be the standard for which i will measure myself against. to show your weakness was to fail. so now, you could pretty much understand where i'm coming from. i'd tried to match up to his expectations, be it hidden or shown, and yet somehow, i'd always feel like i've failed him each and everytime, even if he doesnt say it or appears not to care.

you'd remember the snoopy cartoons, Linus always has his security blanket. for me, my security blanket would be my coarse behaviour and crude language. you'd know i'm trying too hard when i start acting all "beng-ish" and spouting all my half past six hokkien. in a way, this behaviour has become a buffering zone around me, eliminating any previous awkwardness in me.

its often said, once bitten twice shy. previous brushes with matters of the heart was disastrous, thus it's difficult to find faith in this area. thus, whenever it seems that situations involving the other sex is in danger of turning into something more, i'd always steel myself and find ways to draw myself out from the situations. the for-mentioned behaviour comes in pretty handy in these types of situations. decent girls would find it a turn off and i'd be safe. the disadvantage of this is that, it seems now i'm branded as an ah beng.... not that i've anything against anything or anyone...well, i guess the security blanket worked too well...