what would you do...

if you fell for someone, but later learn that she's getting married?

最怕此生已经决心自己过没有你， 却又突然听到你的消息

I was 24 when I lost my mother. lost isnt exactly the most appropriate word. its more of like she was taken away from me. to tell the truth, I have yet to come to terms with the fact that she's no longer with me, alive and breathing. 

she was always the only one I could speak to in my family. all her scoldings and reprimands and tough love always had a touch of softness with it. she was the only one that ever mattered to me. I had all these great and fabulous dreams of me coming good and bringing her to places she wanted to go, letting her enjoy her later life, taking care of her just as she did for me. and now, all these are just that, dreams. nothing more. 

she was a simple housewife for almost all of her married years, sacrificing her lot to take care of us. later on, she even took on a job as a cleaner to help with the household when times went bad. she was only starting to enjoy life in the sense of having friends, doing stuff she wanted to do, when she was taken away. and all this while, I was buried in my work. when I left for work, she's already left the house. when I get back, she's sleeping. 

one reads in the news, sees the television on reports on how Singapore's healthcare is world class. bull shit, thats what I say. it is so fucking world class that it couldnt even save my mom. its not like she's got some terminal disease or stuff like that. its just some fucking pneumonia. thats the problem, just some pneumonia, no rush about it. fuck the healthcare system. 

end of it all, fuck me. the last few weeks of her life, and her son didnt even have the time for her. 

this has been bugging me for sometime, and i just need to get it off my head.

you ever realize how fucked up it is when a friend whom you've been with so long, someone whom you feel you can trust and you feel like you're in a inner circle kind of wavelength, goes ahead and disses you? I know that only true friends will say the harshest truths in your face, but this goes beyond it. Any of my close friends would know that I'd give my all for them, and if I have anything good to share, they'd always be the first to receive. in fact, they'd often get a bigger cut than me most of the time. I'd be the first to admit, I'm not the best judge of characters, or business deals, but I always try to be accountable for all I do. I know I've failed to keep up on my promises on several (costly) accounts, but I've never shirked my responsibility or tried to run away from them. 

so just because you think I screwed up the AMK Hub Singtel Hello! shop project 2years back, am I supposed to be judged by that one mistake for the rest of my life? that I'm deemed as a screwball that can't be serious and professional when needed and untrustworthy? so because of that one screw job, you feel that I'm not even worth the chance to call upon, and you'd rather work with some other guy you've known and worked with for a couple of months? 

I don't know your end of the story, but have you ever tried to understand my side, my point of view? or even gave me a chance to explain?

I'm not saying that if you intend to start something, you should rope me in just because of the length of our acquaintance. but I thing that I deserve at least some consideration. instead, you come out straight off the bat with a flat rejection.

"you're not serious and professional enough" if you're talking about the Hello! shop project, fine. but then again, during that project, what the fuck was my role? have you ever taken a step back and realized that you were treating me as nothing more than a bloody PA? the people there were all looking to you. I dont know shit about the whole thing. I only helped out because 1) your dept was short-handed, and 2)you were my friend. and yet, I ended up as a fetch dog for you. if you were pissed because of how you were treated by Jorge during the Somerset Singtel shop project, imagine how I felt when you were doing the same exact fucking thing to me. and yet, you even had the nerve to speak to me in a condescending manner, like how knowledgeable, how worldy wise you are. I went into this project out of goodwill and all I got was this.

and because of that 'serious and professional' reason, you say you can't work with me because I'm a troublemaker. you may not have said that, but your words certainly implied it. when we were co-workers, when did i ever create trouble for my immediate superiors? so now you have the chance to be in the position of your own boss, someone like me, who stands up for the welfare and rights of my fellow colleagues, is deemed as a troublemaker? if the boss can't be professional and oftens oversteps the bounderies, I have to meekly accept it and bend over for the faggot and be some spineless worm? i dont recall you being critical or disagreeable of my points whenever I stood against management when we were of the same level, so are the lines redrawn when you were promoted?

and you've worked with me til I resigned for how long? a year plus? and you say you don't know how good my skills were? you can give a fucking better reason than that. I fucking deserve it at the very least. you fucking know I was juggling 3 departments' work when you were there. you fucking know that I was the one pushing and rushing the productions. I was the fucker who sat down with you and worked out the production schedules, cycles and plans, and you can still say that with your eyes open. worse still, you can say you're gonna hire some other guy whom you've worked together for a couple of months because you promised him before you left the company. so what, now I'm not even worth some guy you've worked with a couple of month?

when you were jobless, I offered you the opportunity to come help out. when you were in the lucrative part time section, I taught you the tricks to boost your time sheets. when you were being screwed by Jorge over the Singtel Hello shop project, I could have just sat by and said I'm not in your department and cant help you. but I went down and helped you finish the project. I think I deserve at least some consideration for all that I've done for you.

this might sound illogical and too emotional, but thats because I've always thought of you as a close friend. I may have laughed it off whenever the topic is raised, but inside, the fucking betrayal twists and hurts. at least, I know now where I stand in your eyes.

confessions

almost four in the morning. cant sleep as usual. for 4 fucking weeks now.

my whole life's been a wreck for the past 2years. ever since mom was taken from me. just, like, lost all sense and meaning, all direction, all drive. dont even know what i want anymore.

dad thinks i hate studying. truth couldnt be further off. i wanted to study. hell, i wanted to read literature, do fine arts, go into typography, try sculpting, i FUCKING WANTED to study. but on my own money. it was either me or my sis. even though my grades were better, my sis put in more effort than me. she deserves dad's funding more than me. so i ended up being the family's black sheep. not that it bothers me, i'm not even on talking terms with them. hell, i'm not even on talking terms with the entire world. 

just 'cos my dad bought this terrace, all my 'friends' think im fucking loaded. im like, the resident rich kid in the gang. if i ever was in. its always like, 'you wont understand, u live on a landed property', or 'you dont have to worry about your parents', stuff like that. fucking screw them all. i dont have parents cooking for me. i cook for myself. i pay the utitlity bills. its like living in a hotel, only rent's cheaper. hell, you dont even cook when you're living in a fricking hotel.

fuck everything, i'm gonna lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling til the sun rises, again.

decisions decisions

damn, 5 more minutes to 1 am. 

and i'm farking hungry.

go to bed empty stomached? or go out and buy supper? 

damnit, i need more sleep time.....

end call

im not going to tell you to remember me, or how to remember me. what i am going to tell you is rather how to forget me, and why you should forget me.

i am not anyone important in your life, im just another nameless passerby. i'd doubt that i'd have any impact on your life, even so, it would be minimal or easily brushed off.

everytime i see you, you're nothing more than a past, and most probably just a roadside scenery on the path to the future.

everytime we meet, its not because there's a genuine intention to meet up on your side, but rather its because you require some form of aid from me. so here's to helping you to independance and standing on your own two feet, without the safety net that is me for you to fall back on anymore.

i dont know the future. i dont know what will happen to me, to you. i dont know if either one of our lives will encompass the other. all i'm going to do now, from this point onwards is, i'm going to try and live my life in a world without you.

what happens from here on is a choice i leave up to you.

relatives

god( or the big guy upstairs, or whoever's in charge, if there's really someone as fanatics would have me believe), how i hate relatives coming over to visit. ok, hate may be too strong a word, but i couldnt find a suitable replacement to bridge the gap between irritating, dislike, to hate. on the scale, it would be something like this:

Irritate ----- Dislike --------||--- Hate

back in days of schooling, it would always drop to the topic of school grades. now into the working life, the in vogue topics usually are girlfriends/marriage and jobs/career. fucking hell, today, it even went onto my own personal finances and savings. i mean, what the fuck? i see no fucking need to disclose my financial state to them, i dont even fucking reveal it to my family! and there they were, talking to me about why my bank accounts always have close to zero, about how to save money, yaddah-yaddah-yaddah-baddabing-kabow-i-cant-hear-what-you're-saying.

of fucking course i know the importance of saving. putting money in the bank? i only leave enough for the fucking bloodsuckers to not close the account. the fucking interest rates are just so pathetic, its more like duh-stupid to leave it there. i rather put my money into my other *ahem* account and make it work.

damn, i cant believe i tolerated the half hour or so preaching.