estranged

i dont know what came over me last night or whatever time it was, i must have been bonkers or something like that. its like a rush of thoughts that just came flooding inside my brain, like a tsunami of sorts that comes in and wipes your whole logical brain cells away and replaces them with old cells and bitter cells. or maybe it had something to do with the bloody idiot who's born before me and thinks he's the king of the house so that he can do wahtever he likes and say whatever he wants, so that he's subjected to different rules from others in this same house.

i'm talking about that elder "BROTHER" of mine. in fact, i'm loathe to even call him that. to put it nicely, he and i are not on level terms. to put it truthfully, i cant fucking stand him and i fucking hate him.

it seems to me that i'm living and will forever be in that fucker's shadow within this household. it seems nothing i do will ever overcome his so-called achievements. i remember when it was my PSLE results that got released, i was so damn happy that i got a 236, much much higher than the idiot's result, but my parents didnt show anything. then, when i got a 10 in the O levels, i rushed home to show my parents, and what i got was put down; "by luck" was all i got. after those incidents, i kinda lost all motivation.

whenever people asked me why i didnt choose to go to some prestigious jc but rather some dead end course in poly, i always tell them, "because i dont like wearing uniforms". isnt that funny? i mean, a guy who got 10 but didnt go to JC because he cant stand wearing uniforms? but that isnt really the truth, i just said that 'cos it sounded funny. the truth was that i couldnt see what going to JC and getting good grades would do for me. in fact, i couldnt see what getting good grades in poly would do for me either. to put it mildly, i chose to go poly partly to see my parents' reaction. when they showed that they didnt care what i chose, i just let loosed. i flunked my modules, just scrapping by the acceptable mark.

even in the army, i was being compared to the fucker. at first, first 2weeks into BMT, i was so enthusiastic about being an officer. after all, there were stories about officers being passed down from my family. but then, i went through a change of heart. if i went into OCS, i'd still get compared to the fucker. i tried all methods to show i didnt want to become an officer; last PC interview, sect-comd talks, PS talks, even those fucking officer assessors during the whatever-it-was test. sadly, my earlier performances during BMT had already confirmed my doom. even in OCS, i was stuck in the fucker's shadow. turned out i'm in his former wing, and turned out my APC was his former room-mate and buddy, not to mention that my PC was his PC too. whatever i do was being compared to him. it was the fucking worst 3-4months of my life.

but i'm digressing again.

so now, the fucker just came back from Aussie with his big assed University Degree. Me? i've just another mediocre poly diploma. and if it goes another year or 2, my little sis will graduate from U. so that makes me the only non-Uni child from my parents. damn, i'm digressing again.

back to topic, the fucker comes back, and suddenly, the whole house becomes his. he passes snide remarks about tv shows, about my smoking, and goes on to fill the house with his stupid anime models and comics. he goes out and comes home late. me? i go out, my parents asks me where i'm headed, when i come home late, i get nagged down to some small little speck. doesnt take an Einstein to figure out why all this bile and hatred towards someone of the same flesh and blood.

at the rate i'm going, i'd figure i'm turning into a bitter old man, you'd know, the kind that lives alone in old age, and shouts and rails at the kids when they're playing for making too much noise.